abigaillaverne

Progress report on the depression. I don’t feel it anymore. Kinda numb actually. Not a long term fix - but I’ll take it. No longer sulking over stupid things and it helps that the bank balance was positive this month. (No the bills aren’t all paid) but the majot ones were. Boys irritate me and I just say - “stupid boys” - sometimes I mull it over, but I don’t let it bother me anymore and don’t let them hurt me even though they are long gone. I have learned that I will never understand what it is that makes a guy who is interested decide whether or not you are his “one”.  And I don’t really know how I have screwed that up with the boys - I guess that is just a mystery to me. Not gonna spend anymore time on it.

Now for the milestone. I weighed 200 this morning! That means tomorrow could be the day. I haven’t seen that side of 200 in many, many years. At least 4! Wow….wouldn’t that be great!

Just have to get on board with the workouts!

Lost: Metabolism…..last seen weeks ago when I was sick….must have been metabolizing something - laid on behind and lost 10 pounds

MIA - description: active and sleek; efficient and effective; fuel efficient

Lost: Motivation….last seen on a fve mile walk; was peaceful and good friend….I miss motivation greatly - send him down to Texas if you see him - tall, dark, and handsome, my kinda guy - may have been seen at the gym; but hasn’t been investigated recently

Found: 10 pounds - keeps hanging around the house - always seems to appear when Metabolism and Motivation are gone. Can’t co-exist for long periods of time with those two. So please send M&M back so I can send the 10 pounds packing!

Yes, I am delirious

Completely tired and I have done nothing

No desire to do anything but sleep

Hey fellow buddyslimmers….I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life. I just found a great church, and I am hoping for things to be looking up soon. I am so overwhelmed by emotions right now and I guess I have been doing a lot of “cleaning” this weekend. I am going to be taking a more low key role/hiatus from buddyslim. I love you guys so much and your advice and friendship has been invaluable, but I spend a lot of time online and I need to get out and solve some of my problems. I will come on periodically to check on you guys - my buddies.  I am hoping one of my ROCKSTAR friends can take the team and I am so sorry to leave it up in the air. I am just overwhelmed right now, with life.

you change your mind, you can change your life…my mind has run away with my life and how do i get it back? I realize that your life amounts to many small decisions every day….but how do you make that monumental decision to change? to stop being a victim of your mind and your thoughts? How do you change the thoughts that you have taught yourself like a repeated record for years? How do you make yourself feel worthy and heal the hurt? i dunno….I am very funk-y today and just want to feel better; feel energized and loved….I have no idea how….

 I realized today again how different I am and in how much of a shell I live. I don’t call my friends,…I pretty much talk on the phone when someone calls me….must go back to teenage times when friends couldn’t talk or you would just sit on the phone and breathe at someone with nothing to say. I don’t call anyone to say hi and I am disconnected. This morning two of my colleagues said they were talking on the phone last night, and my first thought was that I wouldn’t have called anyone on the phone. Am I that afraid of rejection? I guess I get blown off too much and I take it too personally. Maybe that’s why i don’t have close relationships…

just ramblin and trying to talk myself out of this….

I don’t know how to do it. I go to work and have a social life which is great. The lord has been good to me, yet when I go home, all I want to do is numb with food. I just don’t know how to get out of it. I am trying to get negative people out of my life and I did with ex, and last years colleagues, but I still just get negativity in my head and it is really hard to not think those things. It is so tiring to be happy all day that all I want to do is go home and sleep. i just really need a positive change in my life right now. On the weekends, usually, I have enough energy, but then the week comes and drains me. My house is a pig sty and I hate it. I used to have the energy to keep everything clean and wouldn’t even mind ig anyone came over. Now i am just horrified if someone were to stop by my house.

Anyways….just needing to vent….L

Since 2003, I have been “church shopping”. For those of you have read my blogs, you know that I have felt pretty disconnected from my latest church. So last week, I slept in, but since I am making God a priority (I just keep telling myself that Church is non-negotiable), I went to a later service at a friend’s church. Politics and judgement ensued. I guess I am just looking for perfection. Anyway, today, (since my current church was having a monetary commitment sermon and I have none) I went to church at a new church….one that is a plant of one that I went to before. I still know nobody.

But there seems to be some potential:

1. They had a good message. It wasn’t political, It wasn’t judgemental. It was about sex?!? and biblical interpretation. What I liked about it was the lack of condemnation and judgement. At the end, he just kept saying that today is a new day. I really like that kind of salvation/forgiveness rather than judgement.

2. The pastor stood outside and shook hands. Yes some day this will be a mega church and he won’t be able to, but for now he can and did.

3. Communion….they had it. The church I used to attend did not. It is important to me.

4. The jury is still out on small groups. We will see how that goes but I think I will join after the small groups of this week. A bit uncomfortable of a topic fr small groups the first week there.

I hope that this all works out, cause something has to change spiritually for me to get back on track.

This summer Buddyslimmer Tatiana posted a walking challenge that required five miles a day. It kicked my butt, but got me feeling back sort of in shape again, even though I had to resign early from the challenge. I would like to try to do it again, if anyone wants to join me.

5 miles a day for 21 days

If you miss a day, you have to add at least a mile a day for additional days until you repay the loan

If anyone is interested, let me know

I notice there are a lot of new slimmers and rejoining buddies….if you are interested in a fun weightloss challenge team, the rockstars have room for you!

didnt even come close to meeting my goals today - but here is what did happen

• went to church, even tho I slept late. didn’t make an excuse to not see God. went to later service with a friend. Sermon sucked. Not very inspiring. But I went anyway. And we sang blessed assurance - I love that song
• got to see my God son
• went to check my bank - still positive balance - was going to lose electricity this coming week and pawn the camera to pay for gas. tried the bank loan that they refused me before - cha ching - they gave it to me. I still wont make complete rent, BUT i wont lose electricity! and the dog has dog food and I can get a few groceries
• my wonderful sis put me on her phone plan as an added line - although I still have a huge phone bill to pay off, I now have a phone again thanks to her - and we were able to use an old phone, not purchase a new one AND it is month to month so she is not stuck with me forever
• I worked yesterday and got some possible work thrown my way….there are also promotional rumblings that would take me away from kids again next year, but would in fact, get me out of my permanent mess…..that is a conversation with God
• I have great friends….we all went out to eat (not diet efficient) on Thursday and one friend paid, Friday another friend paid, Friday night another friend took me to the movie and Saturday, another friend bought me lunch and bought me professional book to help me in my job assignments this month…and another friend paid for my lunch today…I have not gone hungry and I need to learn from that

Seriously, no matter how offensive certain sermons have been, I am truly blessed!

The ROCKSTARS Weight loss challenge team would love to have you! We are a dedicated group of people devoted to living a healthier life (or trying to)…Come check out the forum….We have a couple of spots for new ROCKSTARS